This is Planets Magazine Action News, coming to you live with a special report!
Good evening; I’m Jim Chancellite. Dark news today, with the death of noted Crystalline leader Ziggy Stardust: cultural icon, transracial polyAdmiral, goblin king, and winner of the coveted “Best Dressed Brit” award. We bring you now to our special correspondent, May Jortom.
…May? Are you there? … May Jortom? Planets Mag to May Jortom?
…we’re having trouble raising May Jortom, so instead we’ll go over for commentary to Buck Davidly, now standing by on New New Newnewnewnew Newnew New New York. Buck?
BD: I’m here, Jim.
JC: First of all, Buck, I know you’ve worked closely with Mist– ah… with Ziggy for a number of years now, and I want you to know how deeply sorry I am, we all are, for your loss.
BD: Thank you, Jim; I appreciate that.
JC: So what, er… what can you tell us about–
BD: About how it happened? Well, it was very Ziggy, you know. We were working on the autobiography after, you know, after finishing up work on Project Blackstar, did a bit there with the Pink Panther gang that we’re all very excited about, had to work that in to the book and all, sorta thing, and Ziggy turned to me and said, “Yeah, I’m done now. Time to go be someone else.” And that was it.
JC: What, just like that?
BD: Yeah, pretty much. I mean, there was the whole thing with the family and all, very private, and then — gone.
JC: So it was sudden, very unexpected–
BD: Oh, no; I wouldn’t say that, really. I mean, the whole Crystalline thing, that was wrapped up ages ago; don’t even know what those spiders from Mars are doing these days but anyway it was all finished, but Z.S. took the time to hand off the Thin White Dukedom to the next in line, turned over the Goblin Kingdom and all. Very good about that sort of thing, Ziggy was.
JC: Mist— uh… Stardust did fill many roles in hi– uh… over the course of…
BD: What? Oh, yeah; lots. Everything from Jack Halloween to Aladdin Sane and even that Lazarus bit with the button eyes, you know, but always Ziggy Stardust, if ya know what I mean.
JC: Very much so. Well, thank you for your insights, Buck.
BD: And thank you, Jim; thank you very much indeed.
In related news, we’ve received word that the Goblin Kingdom has decreed a year of mourning which will commence at thirteen of the clock. Representatives of both the kingdom and of the Goblin Underground have expressed sincere condolences to the family.
Planet Anthea, which has been suffering a severe drought for many years, has received its first donation shipload of water from out-system charity and business concern World Enterprises. The firm’s reclusive founder, Thomas Jerome Newton, was unavailable for comment, but interim director Dr. Nathan Bryce released a statment on behalf of the company, which read in part, “This delivery is the culmination of years of effort and research on behalf of the Anthean people, and we hope and expect it shall be only the first of many.” The Anthean drought was apparently sparked by a global nuclear holocaust some decades ago.
And… uh, this just in, a special news bulletin: Word has reached us from the system of the Capricorn War that the Imperious Leader of the Robotic Imperium intends to step down. Supreme Commander Julius, noted strategist and tactical innovator, has begun the process of relinquishing his command and seeking a mercenary replacement. Julius, a veteran of countless conflicts, has announced his intention of remaining in the War until such a replacement can be found, and remains optimistic that he may again return to the Echo Cluster once his lecture circuit, movie filming schedule, and compulsory dates with supermodels permits.
We’ll keep you up to date on this and other changes in the Echo Cluster, so stay tuned.
But for now, that’s the way it is, today, the ripteenth of Torn in the twentieth year of the reign of Emperor Emork. Long may he reign!16